Editor’s note: ian carner She is a certified marriage and family therapist and a relationship writer and contributor for CNN. He is the author of the couples’ guide, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.
CNN
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Many straight male clients come to my clinic admitting that they have chosen their partners without considering their sexual attractiveness.
meanwhile couples therapy session With a partner in the room, a man will claim he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel desire. Maybe it’s stress, low testosterone or feeling anxious.
However, when I meet them individually, I often get a different story. He said he chose his partner without prioritizing. sexual attraction.
Why do people choose potential life partners without feeling sexually attracted to them? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Is something like sexual attraction that wasn’t there originally something that can be cultivated later?
I’ve talked to many men in their 30s who say, “When I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes, except for one.”
Characteristics on that list include “she is my best friend,” “she would be a great mother,” “her friends and family get along very well,” and “she really loves me.” I am. Is there one box that wasn’t checked? Sexual attractiveness – and often men didn’t even list that quality in the first place.
I was surprised.
Sexuality is the only thing that really differentiates romantic and platonic relationships. It turns out that sexuality is a kind of “relationship glue” that helps couples stay together even during difficult times. That’s why it baffles me that so many people neglect sex when choosing a partner for a long-term relationship.
“According to research Physical attractiveness is usually one of the most important characteristics people want in a romantic partner, but it’s actually not at the top of most men’s or women’s lists. ” Dr. Justin Lehmillera researcher at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, a research center specializing in sexuality. “Characteristics such as intelligence, humor, honesty, and kindness are often at least as important, if not more important.”
According to Dr. Elizabeth Perry, a Chicago-based sex therapist, some men have internalized an “either/or” view of women.
“The male patients I have observed who are entering the dating world and are not sexually attracted but are willing to ‘be my wife’ rather than wait to find a partner who is a better fit emotionally.” “I feel pressured to choose someone who I identify with,” and sexually,” Perry told me.
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Good sex helps protect against psychological distress such as anxiety and depression, and helps couples build deeper connections and improve relationship satisfaction.
“If a relationship is a meal, then think of the sexual part as an integral part, like protein, rather than a frivolous part like dessert,” says Eva Dillon, a New York City-based sex therapist. say.
“In my experience, it is possible for a woman to develop desire for her partner if she puts in considerable effort, but if a man does not have desire for her partner at the beginning of the relationship, he will never want her.” No,” Dillon told me. Why rely on sexual attraction to come later when you can prioritize sexual attraction to your partner and reap the benefits from the beginning? ”
Still, low levels of sexual attraction aren’t necessarily a problem for couples, says sexologist Dr. Yvonne Fulbright.
“For some people, a lack of sexual attraction can lead to infidelity and divorce. For others, a lack of sexual attraction only becomes a problem when you look at society’s expectations about sex and desire.” ” says Fulbright, an adjunct professor in the sociology department at American University in Washington, D.C.
“There is a lot of pressure on couples to maintain an active sex life, and a sexy sex life. I think this is a problem that needs to be solved.”
Some of my fellow therapists caution against overemphasizing the importance of immediate sexual attraction.
“We have this misconception that we must be physically attracted to someone when we first meet them, or there’s no chance of a romantic relationship. That’s simply not true.” said therapist Dr. Rachel Needle. “As you get to know someone and the intimacy and connection increases, attraction can increase.”
What should you do if you and your partner are running out of sexual steam? Or do you want to spice up a relationship that didn’t have any to begin with?
Mr. Fulbright cautioned against giving drastic advice. “Only partners can figure out the best way to address this challenge in their relationship,” she says.
“Non-monogamy may work for some peoplebut others don’t. the couple needs to decide how honest we are with each other“Is this issue the deciding factor in whether or not to stay together, and how much weight should this issue be given considering what else is going to be good for them?” she wrote in an email. I added it.
Even if you’re in a long-term relationship, you don’t have to feel like all is lost. For some couples, focusing on sexual desire may increase it over time. “It’s often in your 30s that you feel comfortable enough to ask for what you want in bed,” says Dillon.
However, I disagree with those who think that couples should prioritize sexual attraction when they end up not having sex anyway.
“For many couples in their 50s, maturing and becoming empty nesters allows them to explore and expand their sexuality. Expanding the definition of sex beyond orgasm and co-creating intimacy. “For couples in their 60s, 70s, and beyond who can, sex can remain vibrant and enriching,” Dillon added in an email.
And remember that sexual health is a barometer of overall health. So if you’re experiencing a truly unexplained drop in sexual interest, consider talking to your health care provider. Maybe your testosterone levels are really low.
Whatever the cause of your lack of sexual interest, be upfront with your partner. After all, honesty (ultimately) can be uplifting.
